How to Deal with Toe Fungus

You wake up and notice a black thing on your toe nail. At first you think that maybe you painted your nails in a drunken stupor. Then you remember that you do not drink anything stronger than Mountain Dew's Code Red. You begin to suspect something horrible. You have toe fungus. What do you do? You could have it treated surgically, but that is very painful and expensive. You wonder, what natural remedies are out there?

First you can try soaking your foot in coffee. You can start by brewing a pot of coffee in the coffee maker. I suggest you put as much coffee grounds as will fit in the coffee maker. Let the coffee sit all night. There several studies showing that fermented coffee has healing powers. The next morning, you'll pour the coffee into a bowl. You will stick your foot in the bowl. You will need to let it soak for eight hours. Do not take your foot out of the bowl until the eight hours is up. You may need to have a bed pan with you. You should start seeing results immediately.

Another remedy that has proven successful in treating toe fungus is a blend of parsley and human feces, preferably your own. You don't just want any feces, though. It should be runny, not not liquid feces from diarrhea. I suggest putting the mix in a blender. After it has been fully blended, you'll want to put it into a sock. You must wear it for sixteen hours. Tie a bag around the sock so that it doesn't leak.

Another remedy is amputation. The only sure way to ever stop an unwanted fungus is to cut it off. I recommend you drink a lot of alcohol while amputating. It is a drastic measure, but it may be necessary. If you are facing the possibility of cutting off more than three toes, you may desire to consult a physician.

Disclaimer: This article is a spoof. Please do not attempt any of these suggestions.