(Joe the Happy Preacher like to take examples from pop culture. There is no example he won't use. On the hit show, "Bob the Builder," there is a phrase often used. "Can we fix it?" Sometimes in our lives there are challenges that are so daunting, so overwhelming that it feels like it can't be fixed. Maybe you had a dream. You believe that God gave you this dream. Something went wrong. You got off track. Now you think that God won't forgive you, that things can't be fixed.
The Bible is all about fixing things. There are many stories of people's lives that seemed ruined. God salvaged their lives. Lot got sidetracked. He ended up in Sodom, the most wicked city. His children go caught up in the city. He may have wondered, could anything have fixed this. God rescued him from Sodom.
Peter was one of Jesus' disciples. He was part of Jesus' inner circle. Peter got sidetracked. He even denied that he knew Jesus. He wondered if his life could be fixed.
What I love about Bob the builder is that the answer is always, "yes, we can." God wants to fix whatever is broken in our lives. God wants us to get back on track. He wants us to have the dreams, the ones that he put in our lives, fulfilled. Everything can be fixed. Your dreams can be fulfilled. You just need to ask God to pick you up and restore all of the years the locusts have eaten. He can do that for you.
Maybe today, you never accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior. You can do that right now. Repeat after me. "I am a sinner, forgive me and save me. If you prayed that prayer, this will be a great new day for you. Can he fix it? Yes, he can."
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
How to Deal with Toe Fungus
You wake up and notice a black thing on your toe nail. At first you think that maybe you painted your nails in a drunken stupor. Then you remember that you do not drink anything stronger than Mountain Dew's Code Red. You begin to suspect something horrible. You have toe fungus. What do you do? You could have it treated surgically, but that is very painful and expensive. You wonder, what natural remedies are out there?
First you can try soaking your foot in coffee. You can start by brewing a pot of coffee in the coffee maker. I suggest you put as much coffee grounds as will fit in the coffee maker. Let the coffee sit all night. There several studies showing that fermented coffee has healing powers. The next morning, you'll pour the coffee into a bowl. You will stick your foot in the bowl. You will need to let it soak for eight hours. Do not take your foot out of the bowl until the eight hours is up. You may need to have a bed pan with you. You should start seeing results immediately.
Another remedy that has proven successful in treating toe fungus is a blend of parsley and human feces, preferably your own. You don't just want any feces, though. It should be runny, not not liquid feces from diarrhea. I suggest putting the mix in a blender. After it has been fully blended, you'll want to put it into a sock. You must wear it for sixteen hours. Tie a bag around the sock so that it doesn't leak.
Another remedy is amputation. The only sure way to ever stop an unwanted fungus is to cut it off. I recommend you drink a lot of alcohol while amputating. It is a drastic measure, but it may be necessary. If you are facing the possibility of cutting off more than three toes, you may desire to consult a physician.
Disclaimer: This article is a spoof. Please do not attempt any of these suggestions.
First you can try soaking your foot in coffee. You can start by brewing a pot of coffee in the coffee maker. I suggest you put as much coffee grounds as will fit in the coffee maker. Let the coffee sit all night. There several studies showing that fermented coffee has healing powers. The next morning, you'll pour the coffee into a bowl. You will stick your foot in the bowl. You will need to let it soak for eight hours. Do not take your foot out of the bowl until the eight hours is up. You may need to have a bed pan with you. You should start seeing results immediately.
Another remedy that has proven successful in treating toe fungus is a blend of parsley and human feces, preferably your own. You don't just want any feces, though. It should be runny, not not liquid feces from diarrhea. I suggest putting the mix in a blender. After it has been fully blended, you'll want to put it into a sock. You must wear it for sixteen hours. Tie a bag around the sock so that it doesn't leak.
Another remedy is amputation. The only sure way to ever stop an unwanted fungus is to cut it off. I recommend you drink a lot of alcohol while amputating. It is a drastic measure, but it may be necessary. If you are facing the possibility of cutting off more than three toes, you may desire to consult a physician.
Disclaimer: This article is a spoof. Please do not attempt any of these suggestions.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Grace: Cultural or Absolute Truth
by E. van Gelical
Galatians has been used as a primary text to argue sola gracia or grace alone. Does this text teach faith by grace alone? Can we legitimately use Galatians to prove that Christians are saved by grace without works. This message will deal with this topic.
When interpreting the New Testament, we have several principles to consider. Is a principal universal or tied to a specific situation? Is Paul addressing a specific issue? The answer is yes. False teachers were coming in and teaching salvation by faith and works. Paul is not writing to the church as a whole, but a specific local church.
Since this was an issue associated with the Galatians church, what does it mean to us? Galatians deals with a situation only in this church. This was for the Galatians church only. We cannot in good conscience apply it to the church as a whole. Otherwise we would have to forbid women from speaking in the church, make men cut off their long hair, and make women wear head covering in church. We cannot argue sola gracia from Galatians.
Are we saved by faith alone? All of the verses that teach sola gracia are from Epistles, Romans and Ephesians. These Epistles deal with issues. Romans dealt with Jew ans Gentile clashes, as did Ephesians. We have no evidence of salvation by grace alone.
Why was sola gracia taught in these epistles? Paul wanted to balance out work and grace. The church in Galatia had mastered works. Now they needed to learn grace. James dealt with people who mastered grace and now needed to work on works. To turn this into a doctrine is unwise.
What do we do with these epistles? We need to consider our situation. As a church, do we need to learn grace, or do we need more works? What is lacking in my church? We must focus in on what we need most.
Galatians has been used as a primary text to argue sola gracia or grace alone. Does this text teach faith by grace alone? Can we legitimately use Galatians to prove that Christians are saved by grace without works. This message will deal with this topic.
When interpreting the New Testament, we have several principles to consider. Is a principal universal or tied to a specific situation? Is Paul addressing a specific issue? The answer is yes. False teachers were coming in and teaching salvation by faith and works. Paul is not writing to the church as a whole, but a specific local church.
Since this was an issue associated with the Galatians church, what does it mean to us? Galatians deals with a situation only in this church. This was for the Galatians church only. We cannot in good conscience apply it to the church as a whole. Otherwise we would have to forbid women from speaking in the church, make men cut off their long hair, and make women wear head covering in church. We cannot argue sola gracia from Galatians.
Are we saved by faith alone? All of the verses that teach sola gracia are from Epistles, Romans and Ephesians. These Epistles deal with issues. Romans dealt with Jew ans Gentile clashes, as did Ephesians. We have no evidence of salvation by grace alone.
Why was sola gracia taught in these epistles? Paul wanted to balance out work and grace. The church in Galatia had mastered works. Now they needed to learn grace. James dealt with people who mastered grace and now needed to work on works. To turn this into a doctrine is unwise.
What do we do with these epistles? We need to consider our situation. As a church, do we need to learn grace, or do we need more works? What is lacking in my church? We must focus in on what we need most.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
The Beatitudes by U. Christopher Collins
Matthew 5:2-9
Jesus is the great teacher. Today we come to one of the greatest texts in all of Scripture. This is a pattern Christ wants us to follow. It is not just for Christians. People of other faith traditions can also follow this pattern. It is what we call the beatitudes.
"Blessed are the poor in Spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
Jesus carted a lot about the poor. In Old Testament law there were many provisions for the caring of the law. It is funny that the political party which claims to be the pro Christian party is the party of the rich. If Jesus were on earth today, he would be a democrat. I know that he would support welfare and universal health care because he loves the poor.
"Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted."
There are so many injustices all over the world. So many atrocities occur. It is easy to ignore them. But there are many who get truly heart broken over the things that are going on on this planet. They are burdened by the exploitation. They're mourning turns to action. These are the Mother Theresa's, the Desmond Tutu, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King and Bono. Does social injustice bother you?
"Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth."
Humility is one of the supreme characteristics of being one of Jesus' disciples. One of the most humble people I have ever seen is Barack Obama. He never comes off as arrogant or proud. He never forgets where he came from. He identifies with the downtrodden and pleads their case. He is one of the few president's that I can honestly call the people's president.
"Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled."
Do you love social justice? Do you want a world that is equitable? Do you want an end to racism and gender inequality? An end to discrimination against homosexuals? Do you want a better environment? Do you want an end to unjust wars? God blesses those who hunger to spread his kingdom here on earth now. As Tony Campollo has said, "God's kingdom is not some pie in the sky by and by. It is here today." Let's work to bring the kingdom of God today.
"Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God."
Those who are pure in heart do not live for money. Those people live to help others. They want to have a better world.
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God."
Today war has been glorified. They take down our towers, we bomb the hell out of them. We live in a world of violence. The Bible says that peacemakers are the children of God. I think of Bill Clinton who worked tirelessly to bring peace in the Middle East. I think of George Mitchell who brought peace in Ireland. We need peacemakers. Could you imagine if George Bush had decided to negotiate with the terrorists after 911? Can you imagine if he sat down with Bin Laden. He claimed to be a believer, but he did not live like Christ. Let's be people of peace.
This is how God wants us to live. He wants us to be poor. He wants us to sell all of our stuff and live like Franciscans. He wants us to mourn over injustice. He wants us to be meek and humble. He wants us to be pure in heart. He wants us to make peace all around the world. The fundies are always talking about doctrine. This is the Christian's doctrine. Are you living out the Beatitudes today.
Jesus is the great teacher. Today we come to one of the greatest texts in all of Scripture. This is a pattern Christ wants us to follow. It is not just for Christians. People of other faith traditions can also follow this pattern. It is what we call the beatitudes.
"Blessed are the poor in Spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
Jesus carted a lot about the poor. In Old Testament law there were many provisions for the caring of the law. It is funny that the political party which claims to be the pro Christian party is the party of the rich. If Jesus were on earth today, he would be a democrat. I know that he would support welfare and universal health care because he loves the poor.
"Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted."
There are so many injustices all over the world. So many atrocities occur. It is easy to ignore them. But there are many who get truly heart broken over the things that are going on on this planet. They are burdened by the exploitation. They're mourning turns to action. These are the Mother Theresa's, the Desmond Tutu, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King and Bono. Does social injustice bother you?
"Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth."
Humility is one of the supreme characteristics of being one of Jesus' disciples. One of the most humble people I have ever seen is Barack Obama. He never comes off as arrogant or proud. He never forgets where he came from. He identifies with the downtrodden and pleads their case. He is one of the few president's that I can honestly call the people's president.
"Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled."
Do you love social justice? Do you want a world that is equitable? Do you want an end to racism and gender inequality? An end to discrimination against homosexuals? Do you want a better environment? Do you want an end to unjust wars? God blesses those who hunger to spread his kingdom here on earth now. As Tony Campollo has said, "God's kingdom is not some pie in the sky by and by. It is here today." Let's work to bring the kingdom of God today.
"Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God."
Those who are pure in heart do not live for money. Those people live to help others. They want to have a better world.
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God."
Today war has been glorified. They take down our towers, we bomb the hell out of them. We live in a world of violence. The Bible says that peacemakers are the children of God. I think of Bill Clinton who worked tirelessly to bring peace in the Middle East. I think of George Mitchell who brought peace in Ireland. We need peacemakers. Could you imagine if George Bush had decided to negotiate with the terrorists after 911? Can you imagine if he sat down with Bin Laden. He claimed to be a believer, but he did not live like Christ. Let's be people of peace.
This is how God wants us to live. He wants us to be poor. He wants us to sell all of our stuff and live like Franciscans. He wants us to mourn over injustice. He wants us to be meek and humble. He wants us to be pure in heart. He wants us to make peace all around the world. The fundies are always talking about doctrine. This is the Christian's doctrine. Are you living out the Beatitudes today.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Love - By Todd Pickle
Leviticus 19:8 says, "Therefore every one that eateth it shall bear his iniquity, because he hath profaned the hallowed thing of the LORD: and that soul shall be cut off from among his people."
We are to love other people like we love ourselves. It is our duty as Christians to love other people.
Deuteronomy 6:5 says, "And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might."
It is our supreme Christian duty to love god. We should be devoted to God. All of our affection, time and music should be directed to him.
Deuteronomy 10:12 says that one of the requirements for Christians is to love God. It is not an option, it is required.
Psalms 18:1 says, "I will love thee, O LORD, my strength."
Are you weak?
Do you want to be strong?
Love the Lord, that will give you strength.
Psalm 31:23 says, "O love the LORD, all ye his saints."
Saints love God. I am not saying that saints love God all of the time. There is this false the doctrine that if the Lord is not Lord of all, he is not Lord at all. No one is perfect. Humans cannot love all of the time. But most of the time, saints do love the Lord. They love to be in his presence and sing his music.
Psalms 145:20 says that the Lord preserves those who love him.
Do you love him today?
Song of Solomon 2:5 says I am sick of love.
Sometimes we let circumstances get in our way. We see people react badly to our love. Instead of getting love in return we are attached. We can become sick of love. Are you sick of love today? Don't be sick of love.
Matthew 24:12 says that the love of many will grow cold.
Don't be one of them.
Romans 5:5 "And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."
We've been given God's love on demand. We need to access that love. God's love will counteract whatever weariness we have. Galatians 5:22 says that love is the fruit of the Spirit. Have you been eating your love fruit today?
Ephesians 5:2 says to speak the truth in love.
We are all to speak love.
Ephesians 5:25 says that we are to love our wives as Christ loves the church.
Hebrews 13:1 says to let brotherly love continue.
1 Peter 1:22 says, "Seeing ye have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit unto unfeigned love of the brethren, see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently"
Who are to love? You can see that we are all to love. Sadly, Revelation 2:4 says that you have left your first love. Let us never leave our first love. Let's hang on.
We are to love other people like we love ourselves. It is our duty as Christians to love other people.
Deuteronomy 6:5 says, "And thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might."
It is our supreme Christian duty to love god. We should be devoted to God. All of our affection, time and music should be directed to him.
Deuteronomy 10:12 says that one of the requirements for Christians is to love God. It is not an option, it is required.
Psalms 18:1 says, "I will love thee, O LORD, my strength."
Are you weak?
Do you want to be strong?
Love the Lord, that will give you strength.
Psalm 31:23 says, "O love the LORD, all ye his saints."
Saints love God. I am not saying that saints love God all of the time. There is this false the doctrine that if the Lord is not Lord of all, he is not Lord at all. No one is perfect. Humans cannot love all of the time. But most of the time, saints do love the Lord. They love to be in his presence and sing his music.
Psalms 145:20 says that the Lord preserves those who love him.
Do you love him today?
Song of Solomon 2:5 says I am sick of love.
Sometimes we let circumstances get in our way. We see people react badly to our love. Instead of getting love in return we are attached. We can become sick of love. Are you sick of love today? Don't be sick of love.
Matthew 24:12 says that the love of many will grow cold.
Don't be one of them.
Romans 5:5 "And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us."
We've been given God's love on demand. We need to access that love. God's love will counteract whatever weariness we have. Galatians 5:22 says that love is the fruit of the Spirit. Have you been eating your love fruit today?
Ephesians 5:2 says to speak the truth in love.
We are all to speak love.
Ephesians 5:25 says that we are to love our wives as Christ loves the church.
Hebrews 13:1 says to let brotherly love continue.
1 Peter 1:22 says, "Seeing ye have purified your souls in obeying the truth through the Spirit unto unfeigned love of the brethren, see that ye love one another with a pure heart fervently"
Who are to love? You can see that we are all to love. Sadly, Revelation 2:4 says that you have left your first love. Let us never leave our first love. Let's hang on.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Is Jesus the Only Way to Heaven?
By Udolf Christofer Collins.
Our text today is John 14:6. Jesus said unto him "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." in the NRSV. Jesus makes a bold statement. Here he says that he is the only way to the Father.
People come up to me and say "You believe that Christians should be tolerant of other faith traditions."
"Yes, I do."
"Well, what about John 14:6? Do you believe that verse?"
"Yes."
"That's not very tolerant."
Well, I have a simple answer.
If you look at the text, it says no one comes to the Father but by me. It does not say if you want to go to heaven, or to the after life or if you want to be saved. He says if you want to come to the Father. There are many ways to the afterlife. There are different afterlives. There is the Buddhist tradition, the Hindu, Islamic, et cetera. If you choose the road to Christianity or the Father, the only way is through Christ. Jesus did not say that he was the only way to bring salvation, but he is the only way to Christian paradise. There is no other way in this road. If you choose this road, Christ is your man.
So why choose the Christian path? Why choose heaven? Jesus said that his yoke was easy and his burden light. Jesus is a gentle shepherd who loves his sheep. He is a man of love. He is a man of acceptance and tolerance.
I am amazed by Gandhi. I respect Buddha. I find Muhammad intriguing. But none capture the amazement I find in Christ. He may not be your cup of tea, but he certainly is mine. I'll never make you go on this road, but I believe it's a good road.
Why is Jesus the only way in this road?
He created this road just as Gautama created his. I hope you'll choose this road, but if you choose a different road, that's fine. It's perfectly acceptable. I hope you'll be happy in whatever road you choose. Do it your way. You know what's best for you. I trust that God will direct your path whichever way you go.
Our text today is John 14:6. Jesus said unto him "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." in the NRSV. Jesus makes a bold statement. Here he says that he is the only way to the Father.
People come up to me and say "You believe that Christians should be tolerant of other faith traditions."
"Yes, I do."
"Well, what about John 14:6? Do you believe that verse?"
"Yes."
"That's not very tolerant."
Well, I have a simple answer.
If you look at the text, it says no one comes to the Father but by me. It does not say if you want to go to heaven, or to the after life or if you want to be saved. He says if you want to come to the Father. There are many ways to the afterlife. There are different afterlives. There is the Buddhist tradition, the Hindu, Islamic, et cetera. If you choose the road to Christianity or the Father, the only way is through Christ. Jesus did not say that he was the only way to bring salvation, but he is the only way to Christian paradise. There is no other way in this road. If you choose this road, Christ is your man.
So why choose the Christian path? Why choose heaven? Jesus said that his yoke was easy and his burden light. Jesus is a gentle shepherd who loves his sheep. He is a man of love. He is a man of acceptance and tolerance.
I am amazed by Gandhi. I respect Buddha. I find Muhammad intriguing. But none capture the amazement I find in Christ. He may not be your cup of tea, but he certainly is mine. I'll never make you go on this road, but I believe it's a good road.
Why is Jesus the only way in this road?
He created this road just as Gautama created his. I hope you'll choose this road, but if you choose a different road, that's fine. It's perfectly acceptable. I hope you'll be happy in whatever road you choose. Do it your way. You know what's best for you. I trust that God will direct your path whichever way you go.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Defeating the Army of the Aliens
by Brother Abaguda
Hebrews 11:34 says "by faith turned flight the army of the aliens." When I was reading this text I was very perplexed. Who were these aliens? i looked through the Bible and found no record of this invasion. After a time of pharmaceutical recreation God revealed to me in a dream who these aliens were.
The aliens are from a far-away galaxy called Krububoubu Empire. They are a war-like people. They have invaded many planets. They have powerful weapons. no planet has had a chance against them. Earth should have been no trouble. They believed that we would be an easy conquest. They wee wrong.
The one thing that they had not considered was that the God of the universe was on the side of their first target, the nation of Israel. Israel was God's chosen people. He would not allow Israel to fall. The verse said that out of weakness they became strong. They saw the ships and the weapons. they had lasers and grenades. Some had much fear but others rose to the occasion. These people waxed valiant in faith.
In my vision the Israelites with no weapons chased the invaders. The invaders were stopped. The invaders were lead to the Red Sea and drowned. The ships left in fear.
What is the lesson for us? The aliens still want our planet. The Krububoubu are planning to return. The date for the invasion is set for 2012. Just as faith overcame the first invasion, only faith can over come the second. This is a time of decision. Will we stand by faith or cower in fear? I say we must be brave. We must be people of faith. They are on their way.
I call on people of faith to stand with me. Take a stand against the Krububoubu. God revealed to me that if we stop this invasion they will never try to invade again. This is a time of decision. Join me. Let us fight the aliens.
Hebrews 11:34 says "by faith turned flight the army of the aliens." When I was reading this text I was very perplexed. Who were these aliens? i looked through the Bible and found no record of this invasion. After a time of pharmaceutical recreation God revealed to me in a dream who these aliens were.
The aliens are from a far-away galaxy called Krububoubu Empire. They are a war-like people. They have invaded many planets. They have powerful weapons. no planet has had a chance against them. Earth should have been no trouble. They believed that we would be an easy conquest. They wee wrong.
The one thing that they had not considered was that the God of the universe was on the side of their first target, the nation of Israel. Israel was God's chosen people. He would not allow Israel to fall. The verse said that out of weakness they became strong. They saw the ships and the weapons. they had lasers and grenades. Some had much fear but others rose to the occasion. These people waxed valiant in faith.
In my vision the Israelites with no weapons chased the invaders. The invaders were stopped. The invaders were lead to the Red Sea and drowned. The ships left in fear.
What is the lesson for us? The aliens still want our planet. The Krububoubu are planning to return. The date for the invasion is set for 2012. Just as faith overcame the first invasion, only faith can over come the second. This is a time of decision. Will we stand by faith or cower in fear? I say we must be brave. We must be people of faith. They are on their way.
I call on people of faith to stand with me. Take a stand against the Krububoubu. God revealed to me that if we stop this invasion they will never try to invade again. This is a time of decision. Join me. Let us fight the aliens.
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